When Robyn lost her baby, she felt unmoored. Joining a support group was a lifeline

In 1979, Robyn O’Connell’s nine-month-old daughter Rebecca Jane tragically died from SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). O’Connell was understandably shattered by her loss. But she was also unmoored.

“I just didn’t belong anywhere,” says the funeral consultant, now 68.

“It was my first child, so I felt like I didn’t belong with my friends who were parents because I didn’t have a child. But I also didn’t belong with my friends who didn’t have children, because I’d had a child.”

Six weeks after losing her daughter, O’Connell called the SIDS Foundation (now known as Red Nose Australia), and asked whether she could join their support group. While making that call was “probably the hardest thing” she’d ever done, attending the support group was another story: being in the presence of other grieving parents was the one place she felt she belonged.

Psychologist Marny Lishman understands how challenging it can be to join a support group, due to the fear of the unknown, coupled with worries about rejection or judgment. But, she says, if you can get over that first hurdle, you’re likely to gain enormous benefits. “Humans are pack animals, so being a part of a group of people can make us feel safe and connected.”

Spending time with those going through a similar experience also allows for “more vulnerability, less judgment and a camaraderie that is often stronger than in friendship groups”.

Lishman adds that support groups are best done face to face. But if you prefer to join an online group first, she says that’s “better than not being connected at all”.

Having that sense of connection was vital for O’Connell in the early days after her devastating loss. When she was around loved ones, she kept her dark thoughts to herself. But listening to bereaved parents at the support group talk about issues, such as having nightmares, feeling lost, and their difficulty sleeping, made her feel less alone.

The support group also helped her cope with everyday life. She recalls running into a mum from her mother’s group at the newsagent soon after her loss. The other mother, who had her young child with her, hadn’t yet heard about Rebecca’s death and said to O’Connell, “Where’s Becky?”