Sidhant Gupta is enjoying feeling seen as an actor: ‘I’m trying to find more to share so I can hide less’

When Sidhant Gupta broke out on our screens as Jay Khanna in Vikramaditya Motwane’s Jubilee, he wasn’t aiming to be another Madan Kumar. He was as much at ease in hiding behind Jay Khanna as he was in exhibiting Sidhant Gupta.

(Also Read: Vikramaditya Motwane’s Jubilee ft. Sidhant Gupta: Of cinema, by cinema and for cinema)

Jay Khanna had seen so much life at a young age, that Sidhant couldn’t grasp the magnitude of. Having fled Pakistan with family and making ends meet in an Indian refugee camp, Jay Khanna learnt to own his space the hard way. That also came in handy while making inroads into the Hindi film industry, then ruled by a couple of big studios.

Sidhant, born in Jammu, never even knew that he had to own his space. And so, for the longest time, he never bothered to even try. “I was born in a joint family, which became a nuclear family, but we were still living in a small apartment, where I was sharing a room with my brother. My mom and dad in the other room, it was a small 2 BHK. You’re always surrounded by family, friends or someone or the other. You don’t know whether you want to spend time with yourself. I didn’t know whether I can spend time with myself. I didn’t feel the need to,” Sidhant tells me in an exclusive interview.

We’re sitting in his 2BHK now. In Mumbai. In silence. There’s soft instrumental music playing in the background. There’s a cherry red scented candle ebbing away into the monsoon air. The AC is switched off, the window open, and the faint monsoon sun falls on Sidhant, who is seated next to the window, bang opposite me, in a cherry red T-shirt and shorts.

Creating and owning his space

Clearly, he’s come a long way. He seems to own his space now. One would believe the change in city had a major part to play in it, but he tells a different story. “Even when I came to Bombay, I didn’t want to be alone. You’re always seeking people, making friends and you just roll with them. Because you’re not used to being alone. There came a point when I actually felt that I’m in the middle of this tunnel and even if I scream, I hear my own echoes. There’s no one else listening.”

That state of ceaselessly running with blinkers on had a lot to do with the creative space he was in. The face of a daily soap, Sidhant couldn’t escape the exhausting rut of churning out life, as opposed to sculpting it. “That’s why I think I left television. You cannot create while you’re in movement. You get your lines, your shot is ready, so you know the process. You become the process. It’s not for me. For me, as an artist, I need to create life. I need to generate life. For that, I need to feel life. I need to live that life before I go on set,” Sidhant says.

When Sidhant took the leap from TV to movies, it didn’t come without a fair share of crashes. But like Jay Khanna in Jubilee, he would realise the fatal flaw didn’t lie in the ‘system’ alone, but also in how he had been conditioned to approach the system. He became a part of the system. But in order to truly penetrate the system, he had to do exactly the opposite: He needed to stand out. He had to own his space, but for that, he needed to create his space first.

“I did a little cameo in Bhoomi (2017). It was Sanjay Dutt’s film, and I had just two-three songs. But after Bhoomi, I had no work. I guess no one wanted to work with me. Here I am standing at a point where the only option is to go back to television, which I didn’t want. There’s no other road. The only choice was to make your own road or go back to the same one,” says Sidhant.

But how do you recognise your voice when all of your life has revolved around listening to the noise? How do you even make sure the echoes you’re hearing are of your own voice, and not of the surround sound? That’s when Sidhant discovered the magic of a pause.

Taking life one pause at a time

“I never really asked myself this question: if I have to do this all my life, why do I need to this? That’s when I had to take a pause to listen to myself. The pause is what I live with now. It’s a balance you find, otherwise your mind drifts in a thousand directions. And that direction is not even yours,” Sidhant says. “If you go outside, you see people are just walking on autopilot. Everyone’s running, everyone’s in a rush. They just want to reach the destination. Koi jaldi bhi nahi hai. Because sabko jaldi hai sadak pe toh unko bhi hai (There’s no hurry. Just because everyone’s in a rush, they’re in a rush too.) So, it’s just noise.”

The pause is also Sidhant’s way to detach creatively. As someone who was so used to hiding behind homogeneity, Sidhant had to find a way to make himself heard, make himself seen. Sure, he had to live life beyond work so that he could breathe more life into the work once he got to it. But didn’t it come with the risk of a burnout? “I think there’s something limitless inside of me. I can create some sort of reality that everyone can become a part of. Everyone has to believe in the energy you’re creating. So burning out doesn’t feel like burning out,” Sidhant says, smiling and shrugging his shoulders.

How much to share, how much to hide

But in order to create something that people can get lost into, the artist needs to be able to put themselves on display. Yes, people find themselves in you, but that can happen only when you are able to expose yourself to the barest bone. “I keep finding more to share so that I have less to hide,” Sidhant says, leaving me to process the thought, as he holds the other cards close to his chest.

Speaking of his chest, it’s enjoying its little moment in the sun. Ever since the success of Jubilee, Sidhant has been posing, more often than not, without a shirt on his Instagram. Wearing bright blazers without a shirt has become his new style statement, but Sidhant insists he’s only exploring. “It just feels lighter. And it just works. I told you no, “Nothing to hide, more to share.” In everything (laughs).”

But Sidhant is certainly more comfortable with the idea of being more ‘seen’ now. And that includes gigs beyond acting, like interviews, public appearances and social media. “I’m finding my flow. I have this need to find more so that I can find more.” But are you finding more so you can hide what you already have? “Everything is worth exposing if you dig in. What are you hiding? Some thoughts that aren’t even yours, to be honest. You’re an accumalation of all the thoughts around you. So what are you afraid to expose? The life you’ve lived, the people you’ve grown up with?”

Angst is not his cup of tea

That’s also something that sets Sidhant Gupta apart from Jay Khanna. The idea of an artist channeling their angst into their creativity isn’t a notion Sidhant relates to. In fact, he doesn’t mind the fact that people have discovered Sidhant Gupta so late. Because as he puts it, even “Sidhant hadn’t found Sidhant” till a few years ago.

“Being alive has taken over all the other emotions I’ve lived through. Ther’s no point spending another minute in the past when the present looks so beautiful. I didn’t know then. But I know now. But why go back? But if some thought or incident comes back from the past, I let it come. I don’t neglect it. It’s how you communicate with yourself is how you sail out of the storm. You need to find the right dialogue with yourself that can heal you, slowly. All the scars from the past will stay with you for the rest of your life, but they don’t feel like baggage when you know better,” Sidhant says.

Easier said than done though. Sidhant now enjoys the distance to process the bitterness. But how does one make sense of it when one is in the eye of the storm? “When I sail out of the storm, there’s a moment when I realise why I was stuck in the first place. By sailing out, I don’t mean I just leave. I just don’t drown. I stay afloat. With time, you find the right dialogue within you to stay afloat, knowing that you will drown again, and knowing that you can come afloat again. If you don’t drown, how do you know the joy of staying afloat?”