My wife didn’t notice my haircut. Should I feel cut up about it?

My wife failed to notice that I got a haircut even though a considerable amount of my hair was left on the floor of the salon. Should I take offence?
R.L., Warrnambool, Vic

A: When couples first get together, they can’t take their eyes off each other. They notice everything: “Wow, you got a haircut! Looks great!” ; “Ooooh, you bought new shoes! Love ’em!” ; “Hey, is that a different pink toenail polish? Yesterday was Cactus Coral, but today … is that Dusty Peach? Either way, sexy, sexy toes!”

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But after a few years together, couples get more complacent, less attentive and stop making direct eye contact. If you get a new haircut, your wife’s not looking at your hair: she’s looking over your shoulder at the remote control you just left on the couch, even though she’s told you a thousand times to leave it beside the TV. In fact, you could walk into your home with a new head grafted on your neck and your partner probably wouldn’t notice: “Hey, how was your day? Your mum called. Oh, and where’s the remote? Can’t find it. That’s why I always leave it beside the TV. Just saying.”

Yes, it hurts not to be noticed, which is why long-term-relationshippers need to work harder to make their presence felt: they must demand attention. You should’ve entered your home shouting, “I got a new haircut!!!!” , waving a lit sparkler with one hand, tooting an airhorn with the other.

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The good news is, when a couple have been together a really long time, a biological miracle kicks in: you both get blinder, deafer and more hunched over, so you wouldn’t know if your partner got a haircut, if they had hair or even if they were in the room with you. It keeps couples together: beauty is in the rapidly deteriorating eye of the beholder.

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