‘I disappeared because it was easier not to be there’: Hugh Van Cuylenburg

Hugh Van Cuylenberg is a writer and podcaster best known as the founder of The Resilience Project. The 42-year-old opens up about learning to support loved ones through tough times, why his mother is his mentor, and his marriage.

To this day, my paternal grandmother, June, is the person who’s made me laugh the most. She called me “Hugh Boy” in her beautiful Sri Lankan accent. She was full of jokes and often forgot the punchline, but it didn’t matter.

Granny wowed our family with her curries but my favourite thing was the vanilla ice-cream she gave me and my younger siblings, Georgia and Josh, afterwards. It was always half-melted, as her freezer didn’t work properly, but we got so excited. She showed me what unconditional love looked and felt like.

My maternal grandmother, Joan, was a bit more formal but I knew she loved me because hers are still the warmest cuddles I’ve had. She was an extraordinary cook and I often play different characters when I’m putting my kids – Benji, 6, Elsie, 3, and Patrick, 10 months – to bed. One is named Cook-a-Roast Joan in honour of her roast dinners.

My mother, Elizabeth, is a teacher but she’s also my longest-standing mentor and teacher in life. She’s fiercely intelligent and remains an inspiringly committed mother. Through her constant and loving emotional check-ins, she taught me the superpower of emotional intelligence. She showed me how to show up for people when they are struggling.

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Mum always validated what I was feeling. She’d help me find the emotion that lay beneath a problem and work towards the solution. I’m in awe of what she modelled, because my instinct as a parent is to the fix the problem straight away, but that is not the way to do it.

My sister, Georgia, is the strongest person I know. We’ve been through a lot together and love each other dearly, but growing up, her struggles with anorexia were too much for me at times. I disappeared because it was easier not to be there.

I was with Georgia when she was taken from my grandparents’ front yard and sexually assaulted at age three. I felt ashamed that I didn’t do anything, but I was only six. Her forgiveness has set me free as an adult.