What Berejiklian and Maguire tell us about the state of modern love

Berejiklian: I know. So therefore it’s hard when I had to switch it around.

Maguire: Glad, even when you are the premier I am the boss alright.

Berejiklian: Yes I know.

Heartbreaking really. Yes, she’s a corrupt politician but no one should be consigned to taking instructions from a nebbish.

Flood’s explanation of the state of relationships killed me. In Australia, he said, a 2017 national community attitudes survey revealed a substantial minority of people, and especially men, believe men should dominate relationships and families. One in four Australians believe “women prefer a man to be in charge of the relationship”. About one in six agree “men should take control in relationships and be the head of the household”.

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In a society where we often chat about how important merit is, wouldn’t you argue that the person appointed to be in charge should be the best person for the job? And wouldn’t you say to yourself, I don’t want to be in a relationship where someone wants to be the boss of me? And wouldn’t you also say to yourself, the best decision maker depends on what the bloody decision is?

And who drives those beliefs? Flood tells me it’s men. One in three men compared to one in five women agree that “women prefer a man to be in charge of the relationship” compared with only one in five women. Twice as many men (21 per cent, or one in five) agree that “men should take control in relationships and be the head of the household”, as compared with one in 10 women.

Look, I get the concept of bosses in the workplace (designed to maintain the power structures of capitalism and keep workers downtrodden) but a boss at home designed to maintain the power structures of patriarchy? No. Thank. You.

Is it about men earning more? Thinking that because they earn the big bucks, they get to take charge? And what would happen if women started charging out for the mental load? For the cognitive work they do in keeping relationships and connections alive? Money’s good but love matters more.

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CEO of Relationships Australia (NSW) Elisabeth Shaw says the entire “man is boss” narrative is still very compelling for some women and that’s reflected in the success of the 2011 bestselling erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey. And we can’t know for sure from the ICAC transcripts whether these conversations were just teasing, maybe even throwing down the gauntlet, maybe a kind of relationship joke. But that’s not how it reads. It reads like humiliation in spades.

Shaw, who’s worked in the fraught area of family stress for years, says that in successful relationships, people can have different areas of strength. But that doesn’t mean there is never any discussion of alternatives. The sign of a successful relationship is that other comments, other ideas, are in the mix. That’s what tells you it’s not an entrenched, fixed or abusive dynamic.

“Not everything has to be a debate, but there are ebbs and flows in strong relationships,” she says.

And no, I’m not giving Berejiklian any leeway. She is corrupt. But if it can happen to the most powerful woman in the state, it can happen to anyone. Let’s start the relationship revolution right now. Ask me how.

Jenna Price is a regular columnist.

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