Want to know your future? There’s an astrology app (or several) for that

Consider astrology not as fortune-telling but a thought exercise. Less, “Beware a dark-haired man” (unless he’s Harry Styles), more “How much importance do you place on external validation?”

Maybe it’s not that serious, and any spiritual guidance you receive from a free app is garbage. I guarantee it was written by an unpaid intern whose overwhelmed supervisor told them to write 50 horoscopes to keep them busy for a few hours, then spammed it out to their subscribers, who took it as gospel.

If my horoscope app tells me to buy a new outfit, I’m heading to The Iconic. If it says that all love songs on the radio were secretly written about me, I’m not going to argue.

There are ads for house-shares that ban Capricorns from applying, but is that bigotry, or is it advertising the kind of people who live there? Is it discrimination, or are they doing everyone a favour?

Your belief in it can be little more than something to take the edge off a tedious week. Unlike the soapbox preacher outside Flinders Street Station, no one is asking you to repent the mortal sin of being born a Scorpio. It’s not a set of rules, but an offering of potential answers.

Plus, it’s fun! You probably fought with your partner because Mercury, the ruler of communication, was in retrograde. I was late for work today because my Mars in Leo prohibits me from leaving the house with uneven eyeliner wings.

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And if you think it’s all nonsense cooked up by kooky charlatans scamming desperate people, and I’ve needlessly pushed them towards false hope, well, don’t blame me. I’m a Gemini.

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