Q. Some husbands shower their wives with anniversary gifts. I prefer unusual homages, like leaving a small strip of unmown grass in the lawn. Is my marriage on solid turf?
C.R., East Lindfield, NSW
Illustration by Simon Letch.Credit:
A. Sorry, but your unmown grass-strip anniversary-gift homage has me baffled. Is this some kind of cryptically lewdish reference to your wife’s personal grooming regimen and how she may want to “mow a landing strip” before your anniversary night (maybe using a line-trimmer for the edge work)?
Or is this a sneaky passive-aggressive comment on how she never mows the lawn, and you’re daring her to ask why you left a strip of grass, just so you can say, “Because I wanted to remind you of all the things I do for you! Happy anniversary, my love!” Or is it a romantically creative grassy artwork representing your soaring, unwavering and eternal love for her, despite her disinterest in lawnmowing or personal grooming?
Truth is, anniversary presents get more irrelevant as the years go by. Couples start off super-keen with Anniversary #1: a traditional gift of “paper”. You’re young and poor, so you give your partner a delivered newspaper wrapped in newsagent plastic: hilarious! Anniversary #2 is “cotton”: you give your lover a tea-towel and/or a pair of socks – practical and sexy. Anniversaries #3, #4 and #5 start getting kinky: “leather”, “appliances”, and “wood” – this is when anniversary gifts peak. After that, it’s just boring old “candy”, “wool”, “salt” and “copper”.
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You have to wait decades for “gold” and “diamonds”, and by then all you really want is a newspaper and a nice pair of socks. So is your marriage on solid turf? Only if the homage is a romantic grassy artwork representing eternal love. In gifts from the heart, best lean towards art.
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