‘They had fear in their eyes’: how to handle motherhood rage

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We all know Australian mothers are struggling. One 2019 report showed that one in five experience depression and anxiety in the period from conception until a year after a child’s birth. And anger is a common symptom of depression and anxiety. (Studies also show that parental verbal aggression can increase their child’s risk of mood and anxiety disorders.) Many of the factors that have long contributed to mothers’ high rates of depression – infertility, unequal economic and social conditions – and often lead to anger aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.

And, yet, in the seven years since I chucked the Connect 4, I’ve seen little that normalises the anger that naturally arises from parenting, or addresses how best to handle it.

On top of that, more parents are experiencing it now because of the stress of the pandemic, says clinical psychologist Shelagh Lloyd.

“After last year people’s fuses are shorter, and so maybe things that might not have been so stressful before might push them outside of their window of tolerance,” says Lloyd, based in Geelong, an insight backed up by a recent Australian study of 2000 parents. “Normally, we can stay within that, ride the bumps of life, but if there is enough stressors, we can be pushed outside that.” Chronic stress, she adds, can push parents into “fight or flight” mode. And when they’re in that mode, one small, additional parenting stress can be all it takes to set them off.

Parental rage is also more taboo than ever. “Particularly in the current climate, where domestic violence is very much being spoken about, and is on the table, we don’t want to be condoning that it’s OK to be smashing people or things when you’re out of control,” says Sydney psychologist Dani Klein. “Particularly as an adult, and you’ve got the power.”

It’s normal, she adds, for parents to feel “totally at their wit’s end”, especially when they have small children, are sleep deprived, or experiencing other life stresses. “It’s relentless. It doesn’t matter whether they’re [children are] zero, or 18, there’s always something being asked of you.”

It’s how we express our anger that matters.

“Anger and conflict are normal and healthy,” says Klein. “Rage is something that implies you’re out of control and that’s not healthy. That’s something you need to explore further, particularly if it’s going on repeatedly. I think, in the life span of any parent, there will be times when you’ve lost it. But you want to be able to say, ‘I remember those three or four times where I smashed the salt shaker and it was so terrifying for everybody, because it wasn’t like me.’”

To help avoid getting to that point, Lloyd recommends parents recite a mantra – when they’re feeling overwhelmed and angry – that provides compassionate encouragement and an opportunity to calm down: “This is hard. I’m not the only parent struggling to do my best. I hope I can be kind to myself.”

But what if you’ve already crossed the line? (Both psychologists clarify they’re speaking about parents who are, in their expressions of anger, behaving atypically and not physically harming their children, rather than those in “forensic” settings who have committed a crime against their child.)

Focus on your child and schedule a time to do something together that they want to do, says Lloyd. One of her client’s daughters, for instance, asked her parent to print out lyrics to a song and belt them out with her in a park. “What happens is the parent comes back and remembers what they sort of forgot in all the stress. It’s their bond with their child that’s the most powerful repair strategy.”

Parents should also drop their guilt over feeling angrier than they expected, as it distracts them from moving forward and repairing the relationship, says Lloyd.

Or, you can do what another of one of my friends settled on. A swear jar. “Usually, I’m like, ‘I’m so f–king over this, f–k everyone’,” she says, adding that her anger comes from being “run ragged trying to manage everybody”. (She has three children.) It’s helped her to stop swearing. “It was obscene. We could have had a one-way trip to Paris.”

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