The ugly truth about men who get beauty treatments

Hmmm, what’s that big, hairy thing blocking your view of the bathroom mirror? Wait, could it be … your husband? Yep. Most probably. Thanks to the pandemic, men are getting love bites on their mirrors. The latest research reveals that the male of the species is currently spending more time in the bathroom beautifying himself than his female partner. Why? Well, a year of Zoom meetings and video conferencing has blokes focusing on their flaws.

Gone are the days when a male’s grooming technique required nothing more than “a shower, a shit and a shave”. A woman is now more likely to come home from work to find her mate midway through his do-it-yourself mani/pedi, a collagen mask plastered across his face, a vat of wax heating up for his “back, crack and sack” manoeuvres, bleating “Don’t touch me!” in case you smudge his fake tan. Yes, those rugged good looks you’ve been admiring on men of late turn out to be some of the most natural and attractive assets … that money can buy.

And it’s not just bathroom beauty treatments currently bankrupting blokes. Cosmetic surgeons report an unprecedented boom in men opting for “tweakments” including Botox, dermafillers, laser resurfacing, nose jobs, butt lifts, pec implants and mini facelifts. Add a hair transplant and some tailored teeth and your fella will have fully completed his transmogrification into a walking, talking Ken doll.

It’s not just Aussie blokes suddenly going through the tunnel of love holding their own hands, either. In the US, men are queuing up for structural alternations such as chin implants. In the UK, cosmetic surgery statistics reveal that a record number of males are undergoing tummy tucks and moob removal.

I’ve definitely noticed this trend among my own male friends. When chatting over Zoom to my normally rational mates, it’s suddenly as if UFO rays from some outer galaxy have been beamed into their brains, making them agonise over eyelid droopage, skin laxity and sun pigmentation. One macho professional cricket player I know has just confessed that he’s booked in for liposuction. This is a process in which excess fat is sucked from your hips and thighs by a giant vacuum cleaner.

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“But what if they accidentally vacuum out internal organs you’re still using?” I asked him, aghast. “A liver or a kidney or something? Besides, have too much lipo and your penis could become askew. Then you really will be a ‘little bit on the side’.”

He made a sound that resembled a laugh, but it was hard to tell as his face has ossified from too much Botox. It’s like talking to an Easter Island statue.

Weirder still are my male friends who don’t admit to cosmetic tweaking. Even though I’ve seen more animated Egyptian mummies, they vehemently deny any intervention. As with my cricketing friend, I try to read between their lines – only they don’t have any.