The two questions I ask myself before I leave a relationship

Sure, it might be bad now, but if I could just say the right things, or stop doing the wrong ones, or go to more therapy, or lower my expectations, or try a little bit harder, or let more things slide, then maybe – just maybe – things would change for the better?

I loved my partner, but he made me unhappy. I was loyal to my friend, but she constantly judged me.

It was impossible. The formula didn’t work. And so I eventually invented a new one. Now, if I don’t know whether to stay or leave, I just need to ask myself two questions: Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? And do I still enjoy their company?

If the answer to the first is no, I need to exit the relationship. I can’t be with a person with whom I don’t feel safe; it’s the baseline requirement for any interaction. If I don’t feel accepted, respected and supported for who I am, if I can’t be vulnerable and express my needs without fear of judgment, or if the other person doesn’t have my best interests at heart, then I must get out.

And if I don’t like spending time with another person, there is no reason to stay. Sure, it’s nice to have people in my life with whom I have history. But that isn’t enough to keep a friendship going if we don’t genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Life is short and time is precious; none of us should fritter it away on people we don’t like.

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But if I answer yes to both questions, then I know I’m on a good thing. I mean, nobody is perfect; everyone is annoying sometimes. And no single person will consistently meet all my needs. But if I feel emotionally safe, and I like being around the other person, and they feel the same about me, then we have an excellent basis for a relationship.

It’s just two simple questions, and the algorithm works. Stay or leave?

It’s now much easier to decide.

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