The one time it’s OK to throw shade at your ex

For better or for worse, I’ve always believed in keeping a dignified silence about my exes. As the veteran of a couple of, let’s say, “challenging” relationships, I understand the temptation to drop shade on your ex in public. I have fantasised about writing a snarky Facebook post, or venting to strangers about who was at fault, or even penning a tell-all memoir. But I refrain because I have always believed that what goes on in a romantic relationship is nobody’s business but the couple themselves.

The exception, of course, is when there is abuse or domestic violence or lawbreaking; victims have every right to tell their stories, and to hold their abusers to account. But for most of us with ex-partners, the less that is shared the better. People fall in love and out of love all the time. Like the mundane intimacies of courtships, the mundane intimacies that lead to most breakups – the infidelities, the narcissism, the bad behaviours, the neglect – should not be offered up for public consumption.

It can be titillating to watch a person trash their ex in public, particularly when they are a celebrity. Still, it never fails to make the trasher look petty, or even a little mean; just think of Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber throwing shade at each other on Instagram, or Rihanna declaring all of her boyfriends to be ‘da problem’. And when a person is seriously vitriolic about their ex, it can make them look a little unhinged. When I was on the dating scene, I met countless men who mouthed off viciously about their exes before we’d even finished our first drink. It never taught me anything useful about the woman involved, but it certainly taught me a lot about the man.

Now, I empathise with people who are in pain about their last relationships. We all have strong feelings about our exes. But it is appropriate to share these feelings with a trusted friend or a therapist, not with strangers at a bar, or with the online world. Trash-talking the ex to a stranger is a lot like sharing another person’s nude photos: it will always make you look far worse than it does them.

So, having said all that, why is it so gloriously gratifying to see Justine Musk roast her ex-husband Elon on Twitter, or watch Melinda Gates throw shade at her ex-husband Bill? And why do I wish Kim Kardashian would do more to publicly condemn her ex, Ye, the anti-Semitic rapper previously known as Kanye West?

I have realised recently that there is another exception to the rule about not trashing your ex, and that is when your ex is a public figure who is actively wreaking havoc in the world. Ranting about your ex’s poor behaviour in your relationship feels undignified, but calling out your ex for glorifying hate speech, or for befriending a known sex offender, feels positively righteous.

Now, women like Musk and Gates and Kardashian don’t have a responsibility to call out their exes. When you split with your partner, you relinquish all ties to them and their behaviour. But these women have all created children with their ex-husbands, and will forever be linked to them in the public eye, and this gives them a platform, and an opportunity to speak out. We, the public, are always hugely interested in what the exes of public figures have to say, particularly if those exes are public figures themselves. And the messages of the women will, in all likelihood, cut through. Elon Musk is definitely reading Justine’s tweets, and Bill Gates and Ye are almost certainly aware of their ex’s comments.