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The discreet rules of dating

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While the pandemic is posing a challenge for people looking to go out on date or meet other singles, online dating has come as a saviour for many. But what’s striking is that most of the users are doing so anonymously

By Reya Mehrotra

Akanksha (name changed on request), a second-year student of mass media, has been using OkCupid for a few months now. For the 20-year-old resident of Mumbai, the online dating app is like an escape mechanism. She has not revealed her true name on the app, using only a black box as a profile picture to protect her identity. Since her classes are happening online and interaction with friends is bare minimum, she logs in to the platform to share her thoughts with other users, all of whom are strangers.

“At times, the other person tries to go beyond friendship, but I discontinue the chat when I feel uncomfortable. I have shared my thoughts with strangers thrice now on the platform and sometimes I feel light and at other times, I don’t feel like continuing,” she says. Her parents are unaware of this, but Akanksha says she will stop using the app to chat anonymously once her college reopens or she enters into a relationship.

Akanksha’s case reflects the growing trend, mostly among youngsters, to find solace in online dating as the fear of the pandemic still looms large in the minds of many. Since 2020, the digital world has been bridging the gap imposed by physical distancing. After a series of lockdowns and curfews, as social gatherings became restricted, online dating surged by leaps and bounds. For many teenagers and young adults, online dating came as a saviour, and they used it, often anonymously, to share their feelings and escape isolation.

Being able to vent anonymously, and date when trust is established, may seem to be a good idea, but it may not be always as safe as it seems. Dr Sandeep Vohra, senior consultant, mental health and psychiatry, Indraprastha Apollo Hospitals, New Delhi, says that those with communication issues or inhibitions and social phobia may find themselves excessively indulging in dating apps because of the ease of connectivity. If the other person is genuine, the person with issues can open up, but on the flip side, teenagers and young adults may also fall prey to malicious people, he adds.

Dating boom

The online dating surge has reflected in numbers. In December 2021, Indian gamified audio dating app FRND saw a $5 million investment from the South Korean gaming giant Krafton, which is also behind Battlegrounds Mobile India (PUBG). The dating app allows users to connect through live-streamed formats and games. Online dating service company Match Group, which owns Hinge—Dating & Relationships, Tinder, OkCupid and Match.com, also saw a surge in users across the apps ever since the pandemic began.

Some of the Indian apps available on Google Play Store that revelled in newfound popularity post-pandemic include Pure, TrulyMadly, IndianCupid, Dil Mil, Cupi Chat, Badoo, Aisle and Woo, among others.

The maximum users hopping on the online-anonymous dating trends are aged between 18 and 25 years, say experts. As for online dating platform QuackQuack, users aged 25-30 years of age are looking for serious relationships and those between 18 and 21 years of age are the curious ones, looking to explore dating apps to make new friends and casually date or chat with other singles. Ravi Mittal, founder and CEO of QuackQuack, says that users are free to sign up with their own name or a nickname to present themselves as they are or to maintain some amount of anonymity.

“A basic profile displays the photos uploaded and name chosen by users, provided it meets our guidelines. A user is by default safe as no information about them is shared or allowed to be shared unless a user specifically wants to share the same with a match. It gives users the freedom to maintain their privacy and yet find other singles who too want to maintain their privacy before deciding on meeting up,” Mittal adds.

The pandemic has also urged more women to use online dating platforms as well as added users from tier-II and tier-III cities as working professionals moved back to their hometowns.

According to data shared by QuackQuack, there was an 80% increase in signups after the first lockdown in April 2020 and since then, they are adding up to 18,000 new users per day, compared to 10,000 previously. According to Mittal, with more time in hand during the pandemic, a 40% increase in the duration of chats on the app was also observed.

“An 11% increase in female user sign-ups was observed since 2020. In the pre-pandemic times, QuackQuack had 60% users from metros like Delhi, Mumbai, Bengaluru, and so on. However, now, 70% new users are from tier-2 and tier-3 cities as sign-ups from very small cities and towns have increased,” he says.

Sybil Shiddell, communications manager of Gleeden, an extra-marital dating platform for discreet encounters run by an all-women team that promises anonymity, says that their target audience is over 18 years and most of them are married adults of high socio-economic profiles and working professionals.

“The pandemic and lockdowns all over the world brought a lot of users to the platform. In India, we saw an increase of over 85% in the daily subscriptions, especially when the lockdown was in place. Users come mostly from Bengaluru, Mumbai, New Delhi, Kolkata and Pune,” she adds.

Launched in August 2020, the HiHi app that was opened to all users in November 2020 recently crossed the 9,00,000-user mark on the Android platform. Jitesh Bisht, CEO of HiHi (Meotida Pvt Ltd) says that in 2021, the users matched 51,541 times. “We saw the maximum matches in December 2021. We added over 1,80,000 new users between November and December 2021,” he adds. HiHi’s user base is a mix of male and female users wherein 69% of male audience are 18-26 years old and 23% are 27-40 years. Among the female audience, 74% are 18-26 years old and the remaining 18% are 27-35 years.

According to Bisht, in 2018, India had 2.7% of users using dating platforms which tripled in 2019. He says that these numbers are largely from tier-I cities and, keeping in mind the size of the country and its young population, is a small fraction.

With the working population moving back to their hometowns and away from the metro cities, Jitesh says that the scope of adding new users from tier-II and tier-III cities has also increased and they are tapping into this segment. “Today, none of the older dating companies are focusing on tier-II and tier-III cities. There is a huge potential. We believe that a local player will be able to do a much better job to capture this market. Since the launch, HiHi has prioritised growth in the tier-II and tier-III cities. We are currently penetrating tier-II cities and working on the linguistic barriers of these markets. The product is priced accordingly to match the user segment. Reverse migration due to pandemic and extended work from home of tier-I city users has given extra leverage to HiHi during the launch,” he adds.

Bisht agrees that the pandemic has made people more comfortable with experimenting with the idea of online dating. “We see an uptick in user traffic and session length. This is good for business. Higher engagements lead to high LTV (lifetime value), and therefore recurring subscriptions. We expect the trend to continue in the post-pandemic time as well,” he says.

Discreet but dicey

While anonymity may be a boon in protecting privacy and striking conversations and sharing thoughts without revealing one’s identity, it can also expose teenagers and young adults to strangers and unwanted situations and unhealthy conversations.

A spokesperson for Bumble says that with safety being their priority, they launched in India with a geographic-specific feature for the Bumble community using which a woman can use only the first initial of her name to create her profile. “Whenever she is ready and comfortable to share her full name with connections, she can—but until then, her identity is protected. This helps to ensure that she can’t be found on other platforms by those she doesn’t want to connect with,” explains the spokesperson. “We will continue to invest in tools and technology that our community needs to feel safe and empowered to forge meaningful connections on Bumble,” the spokesperson adds.

The privilege of chatting anonymously also gives leverage to fake users indulging in identity theft. According to Bisht of HiHi, the machine learning algorithms help in flagging and banning fake and misleading user profiles.

As for QuackQuack, most of its users are students aged between 18 and 21 years and software professionals aged between 25 and 30 years. Its 24/7 moderation team ensures immediate suspension of any underage profile based on the photos uploaded. Though the users of QuackQuack are not asked to disclose their marital status, as per the app’s analysis, 80% of users are single (unmarried/ divorced/ widowed) and the rest married.

Sybil Shiddell of Gleeden says that the most active group in India are users aged between 25 and 39 years and being a discreet dating app, it is targeted mainly at married individuals looking to add some spice to their love lives and hence, the privacy of users is paramount. “Members subscribe with a ‘nom de plume’ and not with their real names, which we don’t advise to do. If they then want to reveal this detail to their date, they are free to do it. Lies don’t go far on Gleeden as it is easy to spot the real age of a user by the way he/she interacts and profiles that don’t comply can be immediately reported to the moderation, which is active and alert 24/7 and will take action against these users,” adds Shiddell.

However exciting and attractive the notion of dating anonymously might sound to young adults, experts warn that they can cause severe and long-term psychological issues.

Dr Sandeep Vohra says that he has heard of dating apps being used and misused during the pandemic. “There is a darker side to it like catfishing, identity theft or getting hinged on the wrong person, since there is a lack of regulation of these apps. So, one has to be careful,” he says.

Dr Vohra warns that since youngsters and teens don’t have the ability to see the ulterior motives, they are very susceptible to falling prey. As one matures, they have the mind to understand the pros and cons of each interaction and what is good and what is bad. But when one is too young, they lack emotional balance and end up having a negative experience,” he explains. 

He says that the instant gratification that these apps provide might lead to non-serious interactions with the opposite sex, so the psyche of the person matters. “There is no harm in dating, but once you see a lot of easy options available, the non-seriousness comes into play and that leads to shallowness in relationships and superficial connections. This may lead to multiple flings, which in turn can lead to a state of anxiety or depression in the long run. Such people may not be able to make strong bonds with someone or assess their emotions. At a young age, the brain tends to experiment and if that happens too much in relationships, it proves to be counterproductive,” he explains.

He says that the pandemic has brought forward excessive use of technology and the desire to bond and that both have to be used in moderation. To not to fall in the cycle of serial online dating, he suggests having more in-person interactions rather than only relying on apps. “Excessive use can jeopardise personal, professional and social life and the brain tends to constantly start looking for a high with another person. So, technology use should be substituted with mental engagement using non-technological ways or diverting one’s mind from multiple relationships by doing something constructive,” he adds.

As dating companies make huge profits and add numbers, it must be kept in mind that interactions, if healthy, can go a long way and moderation is the key.

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