‘Please like me’: The pitfalls of being a people-pleaser

Experts say that can cause anger and resentment, leading to outbursts or passive-aggressive behaviours. “You always know you’re a people-pleaser when you say those magic words: ‘After everything I’ve done for you,’” Lue said.

“You always know you’re a people-pleaser when you say those magic words: ‘After everything I’ve done for you’.”

She likened people-pleasers to “pressure cookers.” If you’ve fallen into the habit of people-pleasing, it’s “a matter of when, not if, you’re going to eventually lose your temper or you’re going to break down or you’re going to experience burnout.”

Having this tendency, she said, “takes a toll on our emotional, mental, physical and spiritual well-being and even our financial well-being.”

Many people-pleasers see themselves as being “kindhearted, good-natured, benevolent and all those things,” Lue said. “And it’s not that we’re not. However, people-pleasers do what are often good things, but for the wrong reasons.”

One way to distinguish between behaviours is to ask yourself whether you are doing something because it reflects your values of being generous or compassionate, or whether you are doing something because of other people’s expectations, Heinz said. “The hallmark of when you know it’s people-pleasing versus ‘I’m genuinely giving because I want to,’ is resentment.”

The first step toward changing people-pleasing behaviours is awareness, experts said. “It might be a blind spot for a lot of people,” Boateng said. Once you come to that awareness, you can pay attention to your behaviour and your needs. Try spending a week noticing what you’re saying yes, no or maybe to, and who or what might be sources of anxiety, overwhelm, stress and guilt, Lue said.

Morin suggests imagining how you would spend an entire day if you were doing whatever you wanted. Writing down your observations can be helpful.

Consider asking people close to you for “honest feedback about how they experience you,” Boateng said. It may also be beneficial to work with a therapist “to bring things to the surface,” she added.

Make small changes that test your assumptions. Don’t start by saying “no” to everything, Lue said. She also discourages trying your first “no” on someone you’re most afraid of telling “no,” such as a parent or partner.

Instead, try to say “no” or voice your opinion in situations with lower stakes, and observe the results. “We tend to, in our heads, build up these huge fears about what’s going to happen,” Morin said.

By finding small ways to change how you would typically behave, perhaps you’ll see that “you can have a disagreement with somebody or you can express your opinion and they don’t run away,” Morin said.

Learn to take a pause. When your default is agreeing or saying yes, it’s critical to take a pause before answering, Morin said. “We need to give ourselves just a moment to think, ‘Do I really want to do this? Do I really agree with it?’ ”

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Expect the change to take time. “We need to give ourselves a bit of grace and have a bit of patience with ourselves,” Lue said, “and use recognition of where we have people-pleased to make a better decision next time.”

Washington Post

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