My friend’s peacocks scratched my car: Who’s at fault?

I visited a friend who has pet peacocks. The peacocks noticed their reflection in my shiny black car and “made advances”. Now it’s covered in scratches. I chose not to say anything to my friend, but may end up with a large repair bill. Who’s responsible?
A.P., Kiewa Valley, Vic

A: Apparently, peacocks scratch and peck at shiny cars during mating season, thinking their own reflection is a potential mate or a possible rival. That’s why I keep my car disgustingly filthy, just in case a frisky peacock wanders into my driveway. And I do it all year round because I don’t know when it’s peacock-mating season. I like to be permanently peacock-pecking prepared.

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You can’t blame the peacocks for scratching your car. They’re just horny and looking for love, probably hammered on fermented rotting-berry shots. And that’s why they’re staring at their reflection like a drunken young bloke in front of a shop window, thinking, “Whatcha lookin’ at, ya ugly peacock %$#!head?”

But you can definitely blame your friend. They would’ve known it was peacock mating season; they would’ve seen them pecking and preening and posing for sexy selfies (slightly angled so that females could see their shredded plumage and a hint of pubic feather). Problem is, you didn’t tell your friend the moment you spotted the damage and now it might be too late. They could just say, “No, those look like swamp-hen scratches to me. It’s swamp-hen mating season, you know.”

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Hopefully, insurance will cover the damage, or a bottle of scratch-removing car wax. But talk to your friend, even if it’s just so they can start warning others to park in non-peacock-pecking parking places, far away from the peacocks. Or directly on top of them.

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