Kathy Lette: ‘Impaling enemies on the end of your pen is so satisfying’

But when we authors get a bad review, critics become no better than pond scum. “Critics! Ugh!” we whine. “Cyborgs that eat human flesh are less alien than bloody book reviewers!” Thoughts of murder cross your mind. The only thing that stops you is the hideously unflattering prison uniform. Although, after a drink or two, you find yourself pondering the fact that at least the stripes on prison uniforms are vertical, which makes them wonderfully slimming.

When you bump into a critic who has savaged your work, a couple of responses will occur to you simultaneously: (1) Why can’t you see his lobotomy scar? And (2) How the hell does she fit her cloven hooves into those Prada shoes? My best advice is to simply shake the critic’s hand, mumbling, “It’s really brave of you to risk touching me … after my diagnosis.”

“You’ll also need to strap on a bulletproof bra because criticism is relentless.”

Book tours are an exercise in humiliation. For weeks on end you’re required to sit on sofas and answer inane questions like, “Where do you get your ideas?” And, “Would you read my manuscript?” And, “What inspired you to write this comic novel?” (Answer: the Taxation Office. I thought I’d laugh my way to the bank.)

But book festivals are a joy. The women readers I meet at my events are always so friendly, funny, witty and wise. It’s not just immensely flattering, but it also warms my cockles to know that I’ve been able to bring little joy and laughter into their lives. If only critics would accept that literature can be profound, but also pleasurable; an experience which lifts the spirits while engaging the mind.

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So, wannabe authors, if you have a story to tell, pick up your pen and get scribbling. It’s worth it for the poetic justice alone: impaling enemies on the end of your pen is so satisfying.

Best of all, most people only get to have the last word on their epitaph. But writers get to have the final say with every novel: The End. Oh, and if you don’t like my books or these tips, please address your criticisms to my non de plume – Sue Donym.

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