It’s not just one: The seven new forms of gaslighting

You might be familiar with the word gaslighting, but if you have occasionally wondered whether you’re absolutely clear what it means you are not alone: according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, searches for the word’s definition were up 1,740 per cent this year, making gaslighting their word of 2022.

To save you adding to the surge, the dictionary defines gaslighting as the psychological manipulation of an individual and the verb comes from Gas Light, a play that was made into a film, about a man who tries to drive his wife mad by – among other things – dimming the gaslights and telling her she’s imagining it. That’s what gaslighting used to mean – behaviour in a relationship designed to undermine the other person’s grip on reality – but these days, we use it to describe any attempt to twist the facts to suit your own agenda. Here are some of the many ways you can gaslight someone in 2022:

Mundane Marital Gaslighting

Not to make light of the toxic stuff but there’s low-level gaslighting going on in every marriage. You say: “I definitely told you.” He says: “No you didn’t.” You say: “Yes I did, you never listen.” Already you are beginning to doubt the truth of what you’re saying, but it’s gone too far for you to row back, so you dig in and just hope that he begins to doubt himself. That is the goal.

Similarly, when you go nuts at your husband for losing the car keys, then find them in your pocket and swiftly transfer them to the crack in the sofa, that’s gaslighting.

Hangover Gaslighting

This is when your sister claims at breakfast the morning after a party that you ate the remains of the pie and although you’re pretty sure you didn’t (cold steak and kidney?) you start to feel bad because it is possible… and then you find the pie in the bin. By now, the evening has become a “doubt yourself” zone. Even the bits you clearly remember (quite coolly dancing to Running Up That Hill) are tainted.

Social Gaslighting

You said you couldn’t do anything before Christmas. Did I? You said you don’t really like the Whatsits so we shouldn’t ask you out together. What? You said you hate musicals so we’re taking everyone to see one but not you. When did I ever say that? People dream stuff about you or they are gaslighting you because… they are psychotic?