I tried this $12 gadget that’s an Amazon Choice. I remain disturbed

A lot of strange things have happened over the last week, and I don’t just mean in Congress.

So I was carefully stepping through the week, trying not to say the wrong thing to the wrong person — or, frankly, to the right person — when I espied a gadget that appeared to defy initial belief.

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I haven’t had any hair for a quite a long time. More precisely, any hair that could be described as meaningful.

When I did have hair, one of my greater delights was to venture to the hairdresser.

There’s something entirely uplifting about having the same person cut your hair every, say, two months. (Yes, my hair actually grew quite a lot in my hairy days.)

But perhaps the most exquisite moment at the hairdresser’s was when one was first invited to the backward sink, just to have one’s hair washed.

If you’ve ever had anyone wash your hair, you’ll know what a delight this is. If they know you well enough that, through the shampoo, they massage your head too, then you’ll understand the meaning of heightened being.

I’d long forgotten that feeling. Until, that is, I took a wrong turn on Amazon and discovered this: The USAGA Head Massager Scalp Massager 20 Fingers Head Scratcher for Head Body Relaxing.

My first thought was to wonder why the United States Amateur Golf Association might make one of these things. (It doesn’t.)

My second thought was: I like the thought of my head body relaxing.

And my ultimate thought: 20 fingers massaging my scalp? That sounds good.

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Before I’d even read the rest of the product description, I’d committed $11.99.

Then I did read the product description. In which there was this: “USAGA 20 prongs scalp massager gives you more touches and relaxing [sic]. Great for people with anxiety and sleep problems.”

There was also this: “Just slowly move back and forward scalp massager on your scalp, neck, and shoulders, you will feel find [sic] new different experience. A great Gift for your sweetheart, family and friends.”

It arrived in a surprisingly beautiful box. This was no ordinary scalp massager. This was, claimed the box, a “Premium Scalp Massager.”

I removed the massager gently, respecting its premium quality, and discovered it looks like a kitchen gadget. A peculiar whisk, perhaps.

Instantly, though, I had to try it. I placed it above my head and then let it gently slide down my scalp. And back up again.

It’s entirely accurate to say that I felt (and found) a new, different experience. It was akin to having a peculiarly abrasive whisk rub up and down my head.

It was akin to being an extra on a movie set in England, circa 1457. You’re off to war. You have to wear a metal helmet. Try this on for size.

It left red marks on my head, which thankfully faded.

But how did it really feel? Nothing like having your scalp massaged by another human being. Nothing, in fact, that was remotely pleasant.

Or perhaps I don’t have the right sort of head-based nerve-endings to enjoy the new, different experience. This scalp massager enjoys an almost five-star rating. It’s an Amazon Choice, which allegedly means lots of people like it. Perhaps it also means Jeff Bezos swears by it.

It even comes with another gadget in the box. An elongatable thing with a cupped end-part that looks like it may be a backscratcher.

Or one of those things that retrieves golf balls from lakes.

The USAGA Head Massager Scalp Massager is, therefore, a highly absorbing device, enjoyed by people of unimaginable nerve-endings, sensitivity and premium quality awareness.

I aspire to join that elevated community one day.