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Instead, I stood at the freezer, repeatedly said “no” in a firm voice and, when he gave up, I made him toast. Most of us would prefer ice cream to toast, but more than needing him to understand the nutritional aspects of his diet or for me to psychoanalyse his need for ice cream as unmet emotional needs, I want him to learn that my “no” means no. At his age, that’s the response he needs to learn most urgently.
Similarly, hugging the grandparents seems like a small hill to die on, but for me, it represents a pattern of teaching kids to relate to others where their feelings are of prime importance, which results in the endemic disrespect we’re seeing in schools. As one expert told Good Weekend, a “crisis of adult authority” is what’s behind growing disrespect in classrooms. Rather than enacting discipline, we’re psychologising kids’ behaviours, putting their feelings front and centre.
According to Rebecca Wheeler, director of RWA Psychology, gentle parenting gets a bad rap. She believes that it’s possible to strike a balance and distinguishes between gentle parenting and “limitless” parenting, or “permissive” parenting.
“We want to make sense of our child’s behaviour, even if we don’t agree with it because then we can work out what to do with it,” Wheeler says, explaining that it’s important to recognise what your child is feeling at the same time as teaching them what others might be feeling. In the case of hugging their grandparents, for example, a happy medium could sound something like, “I know you’re upset because I made you stop watching Bluey to come over here, but your grandparents really look forward to your cuddles.”
Kirrilie Smout, the director of Developing Minds in South Australia, says that rather than viewing parenting decision as right or wrong, it’s important to weigh up the benefits and consequences. “The potential benefit of making your kids hug their grandparents is to say: even if you have a moment of discomfort, our long-term values are that we care about how other people feel.”
But she also emphasises caution when it comes to a child’s bodily autonomy to avoid establishing a pattern of thinking that might allow something sinister to happen.
Instead, Smout suggests giving your child choices. For example, “would you like to give grandma and grandpa a hug, or would you like to give them a high 5? Would you like to tell them what a great time you’ve had or tell them that you love them?”
Though parents want to show we are in charge, it’s also important to address our fears and prejudices when making decisions.
Like most parental predicaments, there are no straightforward answers. Next time, I’ll tell them if they hug their grandparents, they’ll get ice cream for breakfast and unlimited access to Bluey.
Cherie Gilmour is a freelance writer.
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