I adore children but I’m happy to never have any of my own

Kate came everywhere with me. I had a baby carrier and even a legit, name-brand Baby Born stroller I forced Mum to let me take to the shops so I could roll Kate around with us.

I also had an early insight into parenting when Tamagotchis, a type of digital pet, became popular. I took my role and responsibility as a digital pet parent very seriously and the little guy was so well cared for. I’d erase his little digital poos and give him tiny doses of digital medicine when he had a skull-and-crossbones above his head. I used to take him to school and pop him under my tray so I could give him food and water when he needed it without my teacher noticing.

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When we had our sports carnival, I taught Mum how to look after my Tamagotchi for the day. She took her role of digital pet grandma very seriously, too. For the week leading up to the carnival, whenever a symbol came up, I’d test Mum on how she would handle the problem, and she always passed with flying colours.

I was 11 when my nephew Tyler was born. I was really scared to go from being the baby of the family to having someone else who was younger, but the moment I met him, I was smitten. And I’ve adored him more and more every day since I first saw that little smile on the day he was born. Because we were almost closer in age than I was with my actual siblings, we developed a close, special relationship and I loved hanging out with and babysitting him with Mum – so much so that we’d take him off my brother and sister-in-law at any opportunity.

Tyler couldn’t say my name when he was little, so I have been known as Totti since then, and I love it. He’s now a proper teenager, who on FaceTime the other day said, “I better be in your book,” but won’t let me follow him on Instagram. I was never that angsty.

When my sister-in-law got pregnant again, with my niece Ashlee, I was scared to have another baby in the family. I remember panicking to Mum and my sister Libby, saying that I didn’t have enough love inside me for another little baby. I loved Tyler more than anything; how could I love another tiny babe? But Ashlee stole my heart the second I saw her and I love her to death.

“We’re breaking away from the traditions that our parents’ generation had thrust onto them.”

This meant that when Libby had her children, Lawson and Wes, and when my other sister Hayley and her wife had a baby, I knew exactly what to expect. I got to snuggle them and sniff them and love them to death … but I also got to hand them back. I could babysit and hold babies whenever their mum or dad needed a break, and I could forever be the fun aunt.

It was the same when my friends started having babies. I would get to snuggle them and smooch them and spoil them, but unlike my friends, I could also sleep in on a Saturday morning instead of going to footy practice. I didn’t have to juggle my life and career with my partner Taubs’ life and career, and add a baby’s life into the mix. Of course, there are people who have a baby and a career, and people who have one or the other, or a combination of those two things and more! And I take my hat off to parents – I really do.

But isn’t it weird that having a baby is the default journey? We live in a time where things have never been more expensive, there’s never been more people (have you been on a train lately?) and we’ve never had more freedom. We’re breaking away from the traditions that our parents’ generation had thrust onto them.

We live with our partners before we get married, we change careers and go to uni later in life, we take time off to avoid burnout – all the things they never did. So, why would having someone dependent on me for 18 years still be the default?

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The week, Taubs and I moved in together and had a really serious conversation. Having children came up and I remember saying, “That’s just not for me.” I immediately realised how intense a thing that was to say.

It just came to me in that moment! I don’t think I’d ever explored the option to not have children before that moment, but it was exactly how I felt.

We had a long talk about it, which ended with me saying, “I love kids, but I just don’t think I’ll ever want kids. If that’s a deal-breaker then I don’t know if we have a future.”

First of all, holllllly f—, Toni! Moving house is such intense admin – as if we couldn’t have had that conversation before ferrying all of our things into a house where both our names were on the lease?

Taubs responded the best way someone could. “I love kids, too, but I’d rather have you than a child.”

And that’s the way it’s stayed.

Edited extract from I Don’t Need Therapy (Allen & Unwin) by Toni Lodge, on sale now.

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