How to talk to a friend when they’re the ones in the wrong

For both Mann and relationship coach and educator Mim Kempson, the best approach is to lead with a question.

Instead of assuming why they’re upset, Mann suggests saying something like, “Hey, look I can see you’re upset. What’s happened?”

Kempson recommends asking them directly about what they might need. “The person might want to be validated, they might want your honest opinion, or they might want you to play devil’s advocate.” Asking this “safeguards you, because they’ve guided you towards what they need.”

Strike a balance between holding them accountable while still being a supportive friend

Rather than just diving in and sharing your thoughts, ask, “Do I have your permission to speak honestly?” This way you’re not offering unsolicited advice, says Kempson.

Phrases or language that she says can be useful include: “What I’m hearing is…” , “correct me if I’m wrong, but…” , “What I’ve noticed is…” , and “My understanding is…”

Mann says you need to work out a way to bring up a concern diplomatically, while still keeping the friendship intact. “Say, ‘look I’m really having a hard time saying this but can we talk about it?’”

What do you do if the venting becomes too much?

As a healer and founder of coaching platform AGERICH, Scarlett Vespa, in her late 50s, is used to having friends come to her to vent. While most of the time, she’s happy to listen, this friend “used me to dump her frustration [on].” She finally had to end the friendship, as she was becoming too “stressed and exhausted”.

“Firstly, express how much their friendship means to you,” says Kempson. “Then talk about how you currently don’t have the capacity to hold space for them. Offer suggestions for what respecting your boundaries looks like (i.e. grabbing coffee, going for a walk, but requesting that they don’t talk about their trauma or ask you for life advice) and gently suggest that they may benefit from seeing a therapist.”

Kempson says that in her experience, friends who can have these honest conversations come out stronger in the end.

Loading

Mann suggests taking a similar approach, stressing that “empathy and being tentative with suggestions is key.” When people are in an emotional state of mind, coming at them from a place of logic and reason won’t work. You can say something like, “Just wondering, because this seems to be really provocative for you, maybe you would find it really helpful to get a fresh perspective on this by talking to someone outside?” She warns that a friend might not take to this advice immediately, however may go away and think about it later.

How do you know when it’s right to end a friendship?

Today, where seemingly every second person is an Instagram therapist, “toxicity” and “toxic friendships” have become buzzwords, and ploys to just “cut-off” that “toxic friend” are frequent.

“We can be so quick to cut people off,” agrees Kempson. “[With friendships] it’s a similar concept to partnerships, where one person cannot be perfect.”

“There are different types of friendships, too,” points out Kempson. Some friends you’ll just catch up with over coffee every few months, or see at parties.

Of course, the spectrum for wrongdoing is incredibly vast, ranging from social faux-pas, to tricker moral and ethical quandaries. Mann says it ultimately comes down your personal boundaries and whether they’ve been crossed. “Each of us has our ‘no exceptions rules’,” she says. If your “value differences,” become apparent and can’t be negotiated, then it may be time to take a step back.

Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.