How resilience expert Hugh van Cuylenburg copes with rejection

What gives you life? Watching my kids [Benji, six; Elsie, three; and Patrick, 10 months] fall in love with the world around them. And racing. That really makes me feel alive.

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You’re a resilience specialist. How do we develop resilience around sexual and romantic rejection? Resilience is a big part of dating. You think things are going well with someone and, all of a sudden, you’re rejected – and you have no idea why. Also, they don’t wanna hurt your feelings. So it’s easier for someone to just say, “I’m not sure I’m ready for something right now.” You have no idea what you’ve done wrong. It’s not spoken about enough, how difficult dating is and how hurtful it is. I struggled through it. I found it a very lonely stage of life. All my friends were married with kids and I was turning up at bars at night to meet someone I’d only seen a photo of on Tinder.

What attracted you to your wife when you met? I’d been single for seven years. Every single date I’d been on, I’d found myself performing. We all do it on dates. You play this wonderful character and pretend you’re perfect in every single way. But within a couple of minutes with Penny, I felt that I was enough: I didn’t need to pretend to be anyone except myself. That, and her smile. It’s still the best smile I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

After eight years of marriage, what attracts you to her now? The same two things: nothing’s changed. Now the thing that I love doing most with her is laughing. We laugh so much together.

BODIES

When do you feel most comfortable in your own skin? When I’m running.

When do you feel least comfortable? When I’m doing television. I can do podcasts, I can speak in front of thousands of people, but when I’m doing The Project, I know it’s going to be terrible.

For a lot of people, public speaking would be their worst nightmare. What is it about TV that’s different for you? I had a stutter when I was in primary school. On the first ever TV interview I did, it came back – out of nowhere. I think I have this deep fear that it’s going to pop up again on live TV. I don’t have that fear when I’m speaking publicly or on the podcast.

How’s your physical and mental health? The best it’s ever been. I have a very healthy obsession with trying to run 400 metres as quickly as possible, and that requires a lot of training. I wish I’d had this dedication in my 20s.

What was your entry point for running later in life? My wife and I were in Broome on holiday and there was a photo of myself and her on the beach. I saw the quintessential dad bod, and thought, “That’s not how I want to see myself.” I got such joy from track and field when I was a kid, and I wanted to feel that again.

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When was the last time your body let you down? Five years ago, I was playing cricket and my hamstring tendon snapped off the bone. The whole thing unravelled behind my knee. I was running at full speed and stopped to slide … and my leg didn’t slide. It just stopped in the ground. Three days later, I was in hospital having surgery to get it reattached.

How long does it take to heal from something like that? I couldn’t run for five months. I was starting to think, “Well, I guess ageing’s gonna catch up with me eventually.” Then two weeks ago, I ran one of my quickest times ever. I felt like I had to thank my body: “You’re 42, you’re still trying your hardest and you’re still able to do this. Thank you.”

I love that you’re hitting new PBs, given competitive sports are usually associated with people in their 20s. Whenever I race, it’s against 20-somethings. In fact, the other day, I heard a guy say, “I think the old guy’s in our race.” I was looking around going, “Shit, I hope there’s an old guy.” But no, there wasn’t. Just me.

Hugh van Cuylenburg’s show G.E.M is on Amazon Prime. He speaks with Konrad Marshall on Good Weekend Talks.

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