Facing the court of public opinion at work

Dr Krupka says the best course of action will depend on that question we began with: is this a case of your colleagues letting their curiosity get the better of them and being thoughtless, even irresponsible, in how they deal with what might seem like extraordinary information. Or is this mean-spirited co-workers delighting in scandal and treating you with contempt?

Once you determine that, you’ll be ready to respond. But before you do, it’s worth remembering that this is not uncharted terrain here. You’re not alone. Yes, this is a situation involving unusual specific details, but in a broader sense it’s a fairly regular work experience.

“You’re seeing the problem as being about a criminal history, when the problem is really the gossip about you. It’s discomfort many of us feel in the workplace if somebody knows something shameful about us, especially about our personal lives,” Dr Krupka said.

“That’s not uncommon. You have a right to your mistakes and misdemeanours. We all do.”

So … what to do?

If you feel the gossiping colleagues are reasonable people who aren’t aware their actions are hurting you, you might want to let them know how the gossip affects you. It’s up to you whether you disclose additional details of the incident to help them understand your position.

If you feel they’re acting maliciously and won’t respond to an adult discussion, you may still want to talk, but perhaps to a trusted colleague.

A problem shared is a problem halved, and in addition an “ally or support system”, as Dr Krupka put it, can help you work out the best way of raising your concerns (and avoid needing to flee) – with the whisperers themselves or with someone in authority at the organisation.

There are so many potential options here and it would be impossible to go through them all, so I’ll finish with some general but important advice from Dr Krupka: whatever you do next – however much you share, if anything at all – don’t do it to appease someone else.

“The motivation for disclosing anything should be to make you comfortable, as opposed to justifying yourself to people who are talking about you with very little information on a subject they know almost nothing about.”