Even at its best, co-parenting is the worst

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Co-parenting after a split often feels like a cosmic test of patience. Post-marital relationships among divorced parents in my set in Los Angeles range from semi-functional to irritating to outright nightmarish. It could be a daily spar over every detail of a packed lunch, threats about moving away, passport-hoarding, or a years-long grudge match in court, replete with accusations of every kind of abuse.

In short, co-parenting, even at its best, is still the worst. Toss in new partners, some with new opinions on your co-parenting styles? Boom.

And then came the pandemic, which wrecked many a co-parenting relationship. Parents who’d previously agreed on medical decisions went to war over when or whether to get children vaccinated. Some have withheld custody during a child’s quarantine, or if the other parent’s behaviour or job is too high-risk.

In my case, it helped to remember how much we successfully agreed on: vaccines and masking; homework before screen time; bedtimes and chores. Extracurriculars. They/them pronouns are now used in both homes.

But conflicts stem from the values clashes that made us separate, and some fundamentals about how we parent simply don’t budge: I will always be a pro-unstructured-free-time parent; he will always be an organise-your-time parent. I am a fight-the-sexist-school-dress-code person; he is a-follow-the-rules person.

Expecting lockstep symmetry in all parenting matters is unrealistic, just as it is for people who stick together.

So, there I was, pushing for this watch, a smartphone, dyeing their hair. Not gonna lie: This has all caused stewing, arguing and periods of zero communication between my ex and myself. But ultimately, I had to see that his position on some issues was valid even if diametrically opposed to mine. More than that, I had to pick my battles, not for me but for my daughter’s emerging autonomy during the turbulence of becoming a teenager.

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We have, as a result, found some compromise. The smartphone? Yes, since we can both enforce parental controls. Hair dye? Yes, because it’s temporary. The Apple Watch? A trial period. As long as there are no school complaints of distraction, our daughter continues to wear it. On that front, so far, so good.

But expecting lockstep symmetry in all parenting matters is unrealistic, just as it is for people who stick together. We are mere mortals; and we are divorced ones at that. I still plan on fighting that dress code, but I’ll just have to do it during my weeks.

The Washington Post

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