Due to the ‘12-week rule’, the heartbreak of miscarriage is not widely spoken about

The heartbreak of miscarriage is far more common than many of us realise, as it’s often not talked about.

In Australia, it is estimated about 285 miscarriages occur every day, or one every five minutes, affecting more than 100,000 couples a year.

Dr Jade Bilardi, senior research fellow at Monash University and co-founder of Miscarriage Australia, says that medically, miscarriage (the loss of a baby under 20 weeks gestation) is viewed as a routine pregnancy complication that is generally easily managed on a physical level.

“However, what people often don’t realise is how deeply it can impact those affected on an emotional level,” she says. “Because we have this unwritten social rule around not disclosing pregnancies until the 12-week mark, when it’s considered ‘safe’ to tell others, when miscarriage occurs people often don’t have that support around them, which leaves them feeling even more alone and isolated in their grief and loss.”

Adding to this, miscarriage is often unrecognised as a loss because it’s “unseen”, with no tangible person to grieve for, and no rites and rituals to commemorate the loss.

Bilardi says that consequently there can be expectations from family, friends and healthcare professionals that women should move on quickly after miscarriage. “But we know that the levels of grief and loss women experience are not associated with how many weeks pregnant they are; miscarriage can be a cause of major bereavement,” she says. “Important during this time is that a woman receives positive emotional support from her partner, family and friends, which can help to buffer the loss.”

Bilardi says that for some it may be helpful to talk to a psychologist or counsellor or join an online support group where women can talk about their experience of miscarriage.

Here, three women share their stories of pregnancy loss and how they found healing.

“I’ve reconciled with the fact that I will not have another child”

For Katie Parker, 42, the loss of her third child has been a process of ongoing grief.

“After I experienced a bleed during my third pregnancy at 12 weeks, the doctors confirmed a miscarriage when they couldn’t find a heartbeat. I decided to allow the miscarriage to occur naturally rather than surgically, but I did expect the medical staff to at least provide me with a brochure about support services around miscarriage grief, which they didn’t.

Three days later, I was at the Seven Sisters [women-only wellbeing] Festival in Melbourne when my body began to release the pregnancy tissue without any complications.

Being surrounded by like-minded women who were into holistic health, including the nurturing environment that was created by the festival, made it an even more empowering experience.

On the evening of my miscarriage, a long walk by the beach at sunset
with a close friend was comforting, as she held space for me to verbalise and process my experience.

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Back home, because of my work as a post-partum doula and completing my masters in palliative care at the time, I knew that my healing journey required practical and emotional care.

Thus, I began supporting myself with lots of rest, nourishing meals, self-compassion and journalling. Friends and family further held space for me to grieve, talk and cry.

Not long after my miscarriage I shared my story on a podcast – I was still quite vulnerable and I listen to it every year because I find it very healing and it helps me to integrate my loss.

Although it’s been three years, I’m still grieving what my life could’ve been like. We always wanted to be a family of five and even bought a house with that in mind.

Every anniversary I return to the beach where I experienced the miscarriage to spend some time there alone, which helps me reflect on where I’m still raw and require healing.

I’ve now reconciled with the fact that I will not have another child. I feel that, at age 42, a fourth pregnancy will be too much for my body. So, I’m enjoying knowing that we now have more freedom with two kids, and we can do things we love.”

“I feel lucky to have been able to help someone else”

Lucy Banks, 33, found healing after her miscarriage by donating her eggs.

“I was devastated in 2009 when I lost my first child at 12 weeks after a routine scan revealed no heartbeat. I was 19 at the time and what made it even worse was sitting in the waiting room alone for seven hours without any support, anticipating my dilatation and curettage procedure to remove the pregnancy tissue. When I asked the nurse when I was due to go into surgery, she responded that the doctor was busy with babies who were actually alive. At such a sensitive time, I found her reply very difficult to handle.

A friend gave me the number for SANDS, a not-for-profit service for bereaved parents following pregnancy loss, and I did a few sessions over the phone with a counsellor. She listened to me pour my sadness out and that was very beneficial for my grieving process.

While I hadn’t told anyone at work that I was pregnant, I had to have the difficult conversation about my loss with my manager, as I wanted a few days off. It just happened that one of my colleagues had a stillborn 20 years earlier and every year on her child’s birthday she would take the day off. So my employers were aware of how such loss affects women, and they were equally supportive in my case.

I went on to have two boys, in 2013 and 2015. I felt nervous around both my pregnancies. I never expected any of them to be born and every routine scan was nerve-racking. I’m grateful to now have two healthy children.

Around that time, I had a family member who needed an egg donor. I did a lot of research and, once I’d wrapped my head around the idea, I offered my eggs. But she was not comfortable having my genetic child.

Still ready to donate, I found a couple through Egg Donors Australia who had also experienced child loss and found it challenging to conceive again. They went on to have two children and we keep in touch through social media. I feel lucky to have been able to help someone else create their family after having my own babies and also after first experiencing loss.”

“I felt this heavy cloud of trauma begin to lift”

Pam Foster, 38, experienced two miscarriages and a stillbirth but went on to have two children.

“I experienced two consecutive miscarriages, one in 2015 and one in 2016, at 10 and 12 weeks respectively. After my first miscarriage it was hard to go back to work, even to get out of bed. Also, none of my friends knew I was pregnant, so I couldn’t speak openly about my loss, which I needed to do.

But my GP kept an eye on my mental health and wellbeing and referred me
to SANDS. The second time was a bit easier emotionally, but still painful. However, I did open up to friends about my experience much sooner.

Then, in 2017, my daughter Hope was stillborn at 20 weeks. After I birthed her, my husband and I held her for hours and, even though I was able to physically grieve her loss, I still struggled to cope with the pain.

I even blamed myself – that there was something wrong with my body. When talk therapy didn’t provide relief, I covered up my emotions with excessive exercise and work hours, leading me to a point where I wanted to end my life.

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That began to change in 2018, when I attended a holistic retreat in Bali. I was introduced to healing modalities such as sound healing, reiki, shamanic healing and a daily practice of meditation and yoga.

Gradually, I began to own my healing and subsequently felt this heavy cloud of trauma I was carrying begin to lift.

I also became better at communicating my feelings and asking for support, including maintaining a sense of connection with Hope.

Finally, in 2020 and 2022, my husband and I were able to welcome two babies, Benji and Summer, into our lives. We still celebrate Hope’s birthday on June 2 every year and keep the memory of her alive with her siblings.

My advice to others is to have the courage to speak up about what you’re feeling, to know that you’re not alone in your grief, and to take the time to nurture and heal yourself after a miscarriage. Importantly, surround yourself with people who can support you, including health professionals who can help you find your internal balance once again.”

Lifeline: 13 11 14.
SANDS: 1300 308 307.

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