Complaining in 2022 comes with guilt. Is it time we stop?

Repressing painful emotions doesn’t make them disappear, Mackey says. Frustration can build up over time and lead to “an even greater outburst of anger.”

The right way to complain

“When it’s done positively, complaining can be a form of self-compassion,” says Mackey. “We’re drawing on social support and … acknowledging uncomfortable feelings in a way that can let off steam.”

“When it’s done positively, complaining can be a form of self-compassion.”

If you find you’re doing all the talking, you’re doing it wrong. Complaining is just as much about listening as it is about getting a gripe off your chest. “When we’re doing it well, we’re open to feedback,” says Mackey. “It might help us take a different perspective or solve a problem.”

Complaining becomes a “pity party” when it’s done with a rigid, closed-off mindset. “If people are stuck in a point of view and are trying to enlist someone else’s sympathy, that can compound the person’s stress, as well as the listener’s,” Mackey says.

Baldwin has a tip to help people curtail over-the-top complaining. “I always suggest that if people feel aggrieved or resentful and need to have a good whinge, set a time limit, allow 10 or 15 minutes to get it out of their system,” he suggests. Then, importantly, “set an equal amount of time to focus on a solution, so you start to move forward to fix the problem.”

How to break a cycle of negativity

If you find yourself constantly complaining, you could be dwelling on your problems rather than solving them.

One strategy to escape a damaging cycle of negativity is short-term distraction. Simple as it may be physical exercise – with its endorphin rush and stress-relieving properties – can help break the cycle of rumination, even if just for the duration of a 30-minute jog.

Another is to shift your attention to positive things in your life. “Some people benefit greatly from doing a gratitude exercise at the end of each day, focusing on three things that went well, says Mackey.

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Dealing with the guilt of first-world problems

It’s common to feel guilty about complaining about a slight problem when others are enduring much worse, says Baldwin.

However, “there’s nothing happening in the world that takes away your right to feel aggrieved or resentful about something. Everyone has the right to have a bad day and complain about matters big and small,” he says. “There’s no critical mass you have to reach with a problem to be deserving of understanding or support.”

Baldwin suggests channelling energy into action rather than guilt. “Think about what you can do – what volunteer work could you do or donations could you make,” he says. “It always makes us feel bad when we dwell on the negative, but when we think about it as an opportunity to contribute to our community and our society, it can turn into a really positive thing.”

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