C’mon, is alcohol-free wine really even wine?

I see no-alcohol wine has become a thing. What’s next? No-grape wine?
A.E., Rose Bay, NSW

A: Heaven only knows. According to Wikipedia, wine is an alcoholic drink typically made from fermented grapes. It’s not wine unless there’s alcohol in it. Is a sausage without meat still a sausage? Is a tarte tatin without apples still a tarte tatin? (Well, pears are a permitted substitute, but you get my point.)

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In this day and age, we experience many items without their vital ingredient. Hamburgers without meat, books without pages, trains without drivers, cars without petrol. Indeed, lots of things seem to be morphing into something else. Telephones are used for just about everything except making calls. Recently, I tasted a no-alcohol gin substitute. It tasted like water with a few essences sprinkled in it. And it cost $70 a bottle. Wine without alcohol can be a pleasant drink, but it’s not wine – even if it once was wine, before some smart cookie ripped the alcohol out of it. Really, it’s just another mildly entertaining beverage. It no longer really tastes like wine.

Speaking of alcohol-removed wines, I tried a glass of McGuigan Zero Alcohol Sauvignon Blanc recently with a friend who likes wine, but was avoiding alcohol for health reasons. It was pleasant enough, but I wasn’t fascinated. Is there romance? Do we want to know the story behind such a drink? Do we rush to the internet desperate to research the fine details of winemaker, vineyard, region and terroir? No. Are we tempted to stash a few bottles in the cellar to see how they mature? Not unless we’re beggars for disappointment. There’s a place for these drinks. It’s just not my place.

There’s even a competition for alcohol-free wine now. The winner of best wine overall at Winepilot’s first non-alc show last month was Ara Zero Sauvignon Blanc non-vintage from New Zealand.

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If I’m having an alcohol-free day and feel like something to drink with dinner, I’ll pour a glass of kombucha. Somehow it fills the gap and I no longer miss my wine. Oh, I nearly forgot, kombucha is a fermented drink that has had its alcohol removed by a process similar to that used at McGuigan Wines. Is kombucha still kombucha without its alcohol? Hmm.