Chardy, Sunnyboys and proper burger buns – there are some things we shouldn’t let go

Cars with gears

Don’t you get bored, you drivers of automatics? I mean, that’s not driving. That’s just sitting there. You have your left foot tucked away just in case it’s tempted to do something, while your left-hand hangs limply by your side, dreaming of a gear stick. The gears add interest. The gears allow you to slow into the corner on a dirt road, rather than pumping the brake so your back end spins out. The gears mean you can roll start the bastard. And when you try to rent a car in some foreign land, and they only have manual vehicles left, you’ll be giddy with self-regard. “Sure,” you’ll say, as the other would-be renters head for the bus, “I can drive one”.

The Country Party when it was run by Doug Anthony

No culture wars. No demonising trans children. Just a truckload of free superphosphate for every vote delivered. Tot up the Country Party vote at each election, and you could calculate the proportion of Nauru to be dug up and delivered before the next election. Politics doesn’t get more transparent.

Black tie events

The black-tie event was on life-support before COVID-19, but then the pandemic killed it off. Many have cheered on its demise. “It doesn’t suit our casual Australian style.” Yes, but every man looks good in black tie. It covers all flaws. Strangely for something so posh, black tie has a democratising effect – everyone looks the same. The short man is taller, the tall man is shorter. The fat man is thinner, and the thin man bulks up a little. And, with the right gap between events, the same suit can last a lifetime – without a single trip to the dry cleaner. Just make sure, between events, it’s well-rested.

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A hamburger with a proper bun

Things from the past can be improved, of course they can. Human rights. Inequality. The reliance on fossil fuels. But could you lay off the traditional Australian hamburger? It was always meat, beetroot, pineapple, bacon, onion and egg, served on a proper chewy bun. Now, suddenly, the bun is soft and sweet, as if the main course, as represented by the filling, has been wrapped in its own dessert. Are you people crazy? Or are you lacking teeth? Perhaps they’ve all fallen out due to the overconsumption of soft, sweet buns.

So much from the past deserves to be jettisoned, I know it does, but could we at least hang on to the few good bits?