So high was the outrage, the piece gained international media coverage: “Don’t leave your husband because of vibes” wrote USA’s Gawker; outlets such as the New Zealand Herald and the UK’s The Mirror followed.
Messy relationship stories tend to take off because the experiences are universal. In 2017, The New Yorker’s “Cat Person”, a fictional tale thought to be based on true events, became a global sensation for its uncomfortable depiction of modern dating culture. Last year, social media was obsessing over New York Times Magazine’s article “Who is the Bad Art Friend?” about two former friends locked in a plagiarism legal battle. Of course this doesn’t just happen with expertly written pieces: TikTok’s “Couch Guy” video led to frame-by-frame analysis about an awkward moment between a Gen Z couple.
“We go into these stories thinking we’re a bit better than that while at the same time I think we probably do relate,” says Associate Professor Lauren Rosewarne, a pop culture researcher at the University of Melbourne.
“Even if we’re looking at [Trenfield’s extract] and having a laugh or thinking she made a whole series of really misguided decisions, I think if we’re honest with ourselves … it’s easier to read about someone else’s traumas than talk about our own, but we’ve all been there.”
“This is less than 2 per cent of my whole journey. What they’ve read is purely the catalyst moment.”
Amanda Trenfield
HarperCollins publisher Catherine Milne (Milne and HarperCollins are not involved with Trenfield’s book) says that what makes a piece of writing grabbing is connection, empathy and the familiarity of an experience – even if it’s on the extreme end.
“Everyone has a flicker of recognition. We all have foibles. We’ve all had bad hookups. We’ve all had moments where we think ‘oh my god, this is love at first sight’,” Milne says. “These things are like catnip.”
Extracts are carefully chosen to give the most exciting taster for a book, Milne says. “[Trenfield’s publisher] may not have anticipated exactly this reaction, but they wanted people to read it, think about it, talk about it.”
Though when your personal story becomes catnip, it can be a shock. Trenfield has been labelled a selfish and impulsive ex-wife and mother, she’s been criticised for over-sharing and her writing has been mocked.
When she speaks to The Age and Herald on the phone days after going viral, she is tense. She says the response has had a “tragic effect” on her. “I feel a little nervous,” Trenfield says. “It has taken a lot of courage to put my story out there and I put it out there with the best of intentions to be helpful to others, however I was not prepared for the negativity.”
Trenfield, whose inbox has been bombarded, says she wishes people would consider her book in its entirety before judging her.
“This excerpt is merely the opening chapter,” Trenfield says. “This is less than 2 per cent of my whole journey. What they’ve read is purely the catalyst moment.”
Amanda Trenfield.
She describes meeting Jason as a catalyst because it led her to make major changes in her life. As she notes in her book, she sees this as her “Eat, Pray, Love” moment: she writes how, over the following years, she learnt to not let men define her worth and to love and accept herself. It’s why, she says, she left her career in financial services and became a life coach in 2021.
“I hope people will take the book in the spirit in which it has been written and to recognise that events can happen that can make you reassess your whole life,” she says.
Her book was the first foray into lifestyle titles by Pepper Press, a new imprint of Fair Play Publishing, a small independent publisher that mainly releases football books.
It’s the first time founder Bonita Mersiades has had a book extract go viral. “People’s somewhat visceral reaction has been based on an excerpt, not on reading the entire book,” she says.
The notion of ending a marriage “because of a vibe” has become an internet joke.
But Trenfield says the 1000-word extract didn’t give the whole picture: rather, she left her husband because meeting Jason made her realise she wasn’t happy in her marriage.
“We had a very strong partnership but over time as will happen with some couples they start to drift apart,” she says.
When she met Jason, her then-husband was present but they were “quite disengaged from each other”, Trenfield says.
“If I could have such intense feelings in such a short period of time, I had to honour my husband and let him know because it would be completely unfair to him to stay in a marriage where I was no longer home.”
Trenfield says she has exchanged a few short emails with Jason over the years but today has no contact with him. She has not seen him in person since they first met – although not for lack of trying on Trenfield’s part, who was rebuffed several times. She describes in the book an email from Jason 18 months after meeting: “The answer was no. Again. He had moved on, was living with someone and was happy.”
“Everyone has a flicker of recognition. We all have foibles. We’ve all had bad hookups. We’ve all had moments where we think ‘oh my god, this is love at first sight’.”
Catherine Milne
Did Jason ever, even briefly, want a relationship with Trenfield? Or was he just a womanising Casanova? The Age and Herald’s requests to interview him were declined.
Trenfield no longer wants a future with Jason and she stresses that the book is not about him, but about her transformation and spirituality since meeting him.
She says the criticism of her as a spouse and mother was the hardest to swallow. “My relationship with my ex-husband is excellent. My children are loved and cared for 50-50 between the two of us.”
The Age and Herald was able to verify Trenfield’s story with her ex-husband however an interview request was declined.
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Trenfield says both her ex-husband and Jason had read and supported the book. Her two daughters are still too young to have read it.
As for Trenfield’s writing, Dr Benjamin Nickl, a University of Sydney pop culture researcher, says it’s “exactly what you would expect in a mainstream romance fiction novel.”
He points to phrases in the extract which could be at home in Fifty Shades of Grey: “I caught myself, embarrassingly, looking at his chest through his slim-fitted white evening shirt. Yes, he had a fit, toned and attractive body…”
Nickl says it makes sense for non-fiction to borrow from popular fiction, particularly given four-in-five romance readers are female with an average age of about 40 – Trenfield’s main audience, no doubt.
There is a degree of snobbery when it comes to writing but HarperCollins’ Milne says different writing styles suit different readers.
“What is great writing and a fabulous story for one person is a horror show for others,” Milne says.
“Good writing, bad writing, if it reaches an audience, it’s writing that’s worked.”
Rosewarne believes much of the criticism is gendered: women’s writing, and especially women telling their own stories, tends to receive harsher judgment.
“It falls into those stereotypes of women being perceived as being poor decision-makers, irrational, driven by their emotions … [and] topics that women write about are often considered to be trivial,” she says.
“Good writing, bad writing, if it reaches an audience, it’s writing that’s worked.”
Catherine Milne
Trenfield doesn’t pretend to be an experienced author (“I didn’t sit down to write this book as a professional writer,” she notes in the book) but she says: “I think anyone should be able to share their story.”
There’s an old saying that “any publicity is good publicity”. Milne believes it’s somewhat true. “It may or may not translate into a sale, but at least people are talking about it.”
“Is it a bad thing? No. Is it unimportant? Yes. But it’s human nature.”
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