The five rules of engagement: You better put a ring on it

1. Have the marriage conversation first. In the sample Stinson and Hoplock studied, a number of proposers popped the question as a complete surprise. Apparently we don’t like surprises when it’s about our entire future. How surprising.
2. Wait a while. The older you both are, the more likely you are to be successful with your proposal.
3. Put a ring on it. Proposers armed with engagement rings were 11 times more likely to have a positive response from their beloved, says Stinson of the University of Victoria in Canada. The ring-pull from the champagne bottle does not count
4. Do not do it in public unless you are absolutely positively sure your beloved wants to have a cast of strangers witnessing this moment.
5. Want the courage of others to help you? Family, yes. Friends, yes. Sure, there are some people who want the attention of everyone at the AFL Grand Final. But not usually.

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There are still happy endings without the participants following the formula. Greg McGuirk swore he would never ever get married. But Greg and his partner Steve Martin were the perfect age to get married, both in their 50s and living together. They knew what marriage looked like. Or at least Steve did. He decided to propose to Greg last year at Club Kooky, the famed queer dance party at the Sydney Opera House. No-one knew about the proposed proposal, least of all Greg. Steve handed his mobile to friends and asked them to start recording. Then he dropped down on one knee to pop the question in the middle of a crowd. Greg’s instant response was no [you are not asking me!] but a second later, definitely yes.

“We were already living each other’s values,” they say, practically in unison. Their wedding will be at a golf club in Brisbane, later this year. Rings to come.

Some proposals take a little longer to unravel. Leonie McAuley of Adelaide had just come back after maternity leave. She worked on the 12th floor in a building where you needed a pass to get in and out. Her partner had conspired with colleagues to smuggle him him and those very colleagues were the audience when he dropped to one knee to propose.

It was everything she didn’t want. “They were my colleagues, not my friends,” she says

They went on to get married and have a second baby but nine years later, are divorced.

And some follow strict protocols. Rajan and Chitra Iyer, from Melbourne, have been married for 30 years – but before the marriage, the couple followed the Hindu engagement tradition of Nischayatartham, where parents introduced prospective partners and hold a ceremony where the young couple-to-be meets. Family lineages announced. Jewellery exchanged. Plans for the future organised.

“We met, we hit it off and the wedding date was set,” says Rajan.

But if you want the perfect example of following the proposal script, meet Mr and Mrs Smith. Xavier and Natalie met when they were teenagers. At 26 Xavier wasn’t even sure he wanted to get married but they’d had the chats. Then, a few Christmases ago, Xavier found the ring. Of course he knew Natalie’s taste. Even though Christmas Day was blasting hot, he got dressed up. (That was when Nat knew he was up to something). The two families had Christmas breakfast together and Xavier kept trying to get everyone to stand around the Christmas tree. No one was paying him any attention but finally, cats herded, all the family heard Xavier propose to Natalie.

Why Christmas, already pretty hectic? “It’s Nat’s favourite time of the year,” says Xavier. And how did Nat think it all went? “He said his speech and got down on one knee. It was really sweet.”

Now it’s three babies later in Boronia.

And yes, it is still men doing most of the proposing.

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